20 weeks…rambling

Today’s 20 weeks. Wee hours of this morning…moreso “last night” INTO “today” as I did not sleep that Wednesday evening. Couldn’t sleep after having just lost Dad.

Last night I wound up crashing earlier than usual…but then woke up around 12:28am to use the restroom and better situate myself (fell asleep with my shoes and socks still on, for one thing…had to get those off!).

I was still awake until after 2:30am.

Most of that time I was listening to Band of Brothers; my current audiobook-of-choice for overnight “sound.” Never expected or intended to specifically listen to over 2 hours of it, but that’s what happened.

Couldn’t sleep.

Didn’t want to lay in silence with my thoughts/etc.

Tried moving to a recliner, thought about watching an episode of CSI…but figured I didn’t want to fall asleep and then have it cycle through multiple episodes on me and screw up my ease-of-restarting-where-I-leave-off for binging the series. Learned my lesson weeks ago when I tried to fall asleep to a movie and ended up watching the whole darned thing to NOT try that. And I’ve been absolutely disgusted with general YouTube for all the ads (part of what set me on this CSI course the last month-plus: no ads! I’m 9 episodes into season 9 and NOT HAVING ADS has been FANTASTIC!)

Eventually I wound up laying down again, shifted a couple times, and somewhere in there I dozed off.

…and then woke up to Chloe-kitty getting on my pillow, trying to figure out where my arms were (under a sheet) so she could snuggle on my arm. And then back to sleep for several hours, eventually realizing I’d been hitting snooze for almost 50 minutes when I finally dragged myself up.

It still doesn’t always feel “real,” that Dad’s gone. And while I let myself into my own head like this–writing for this post–I almost feel guilty that it’s not actually forefront in my consciousness anymore; driving everything anymore.

I still recognize weekly that it’s been X number of weeks. At this point, that’ll probably be true through the end of the first year.

I imagine some might worry about me on that–worry about my posts expressing brokenheartedness or sadness or whatever months later; or for marking each week like this. And perhaps I give off certain vibes with that that could be misconstrued as some constant forefront of the mind state…when it’s not.

I’m sure I’ve locked up SO MANY feelings, held in more tears than are healthy, kept myself “distracted” enough…that it’s a coping mechanism for me TO mark the time.

20 weeks. How has it been THAT LONG?

Has it ONLY been that long?

What was totally unfathomable to me for just over 41 years of life came to pass that night in December…and somehow, I’ve kept going for 20 weeks. I’ve made it 20 weeks.

I definitely don’t sleep like I “used to.” While it’s still sometimes rare-ish to “keep dreams” with me past work, into an evening or beyond…I do wake up remembering dreams “in the moment” FARRRR more than any other time in my life that I can recall.

And while the details IN the dreams are almost always different, the general themese are the same…

I’m lost in some hotel trying to find my room that I was just recently in.

I’m in high school and trying to remember the order of my classes and which class I’m supposed to be heading to in the moment.

I’m in college realizing I haven’t been to a class all semester or done any homework and have to face the teacher, my parents, and myself in disappointment at failing the class. (and sometimes trying to FIND the classroom!)

I’m in high school and the bus just went by so I have to walk and be late, bike and probably be late, somehow get a ride and make someone else late, or drive myself without a license nor school parking pass (and probably wind up late).

I’m packing, I’m moving, there’s farrrr too much left to pack and clean and prep and there’s no time left.

Huge hotel like the one I stayed in with Katie and Tim back in 2015; or smaller 2-story Days Inn type place.

Eastlake North, several buildings at BGSU, or several buildings at Kent.

Math class, some kinda science class, Writing class, Sociology, all sorts.

Sometimes a nebulous future move; other times partial reconstructions of moving from the apartment back in 2016; or moving out of the Streetsboro apartment in 2008; often moving out of the Kent apartment in 2006; sometimes even the Bowling Green apartment in 2004.

Aside from the dreams, even the fact of waking during the night and having trouble going back to sleep. For most of my life it’s “always” been so easy for ME to simply “go back to sleep.” Whether having health issues and up multiple times during the night or just once (if at all)…use the restroom, go lay down, and typically be “passed out” again before more than a minute or two. Wake up to the cat crawling in to snuggle, feel her settle on my arm, feel and hear her purring, and then my alarm’s going off later.

Now it’s like if I wake up at all, I’m looking at at LEAST a half hour or more of wakefulness. Sometimes just blah and dreary and lay there without energy (as ought to be expected in the wee hours) but other times I get so restless that I often at least consider going downstairs and working.

I’ve become reliant on “noise” at night. Not so much “white noise” (a fan, a train, a thunderstorm whatever those white-noise-apps will offer) but a voice. I’ve fallen back on audiobooks with mixed feelings of late. I would often use Stephen King’s 11/22/63, Jurassic Park, or The Lost World. Sometimes an Aliens book, for awhile the Harry Potter books; often books in The Meg series. While not to the point of being able to recite the story to you in proper order off the top of my head, at this point I could probably contextualize pretty much any part of 11/22/63 within a couple sentences.

In the “before” I’d hardly catch more than 5-10 minutes of a book; maybe a bit would influence a dream or I’d gradually wake up to realize I was listening to whatever book. Now of late I’ve gotten frustrated with the repetition; trying to find parts of the books I’m less familiar with and don’t so consciously remember.

Not even sure where I’ve been going with all this rambling tonight. It’s 8:41 and I’ve yet to do dinner or really “veg out” yet. As I type, I’m debating both whether or not to post this stuff at all and whether or not to bother eating tonight at this point.

Probably “should” post, if only to avoid kicking myself later for squandering all this writing. Who knows.

20 weeks. Who but God knows how many more?

Some mental ‘vignettes’ of late

Went out for Free Comic Book Day last weekend. Spent more than I’d planned to, but snagged a bunch of X-Men comics, which I’m pretty sure leaves me missing a single issue from having The Uncanny X-Men #s 139-544!

Couldn’t help but get to thinking on the way home about having that conversation with Dad. He’d have been quite glad for me getting together with an old friend, as well as just my going out for FCBD at all. And in his own way, I’m pretty sure he’d have been fairly “impressed” at my haul…or moreso the “number,” that with the acquisition of just one more issue, I’ll have an over-400-issue “run” of the series. (My first-ever issue of the series was #300, that Dad bought for me!)

George Perez passed away that Friday. The ‘news’ (I hate this phrasing) came out Saturday DURING Free Comic Book Day, which (as many others have already said) seemed fitting for the man and a bittersweet thing and all that.

Some part of stuff with Perez is tied into Dad for me; as I’d shared previously in a post over on my comics blog.

Perez was given “6-12 months” in early December…and here we are only about 5 months later. I’ve “expected” the news…every time I’d see a post from his Facebook page, I’d wonder if it would be THE post…but it hasn’t been. It’s been good stuff about him being happy and comfortable, seeing people and being grateful, and I’d somewhat dropped my “guard” on that, and then saw a post yesterday and here we are.

I do feel like I’d be “hit harder” by his passing than I feel, except that it’s “nothing” (to me) against losing Dad only a little over 4 months ago.

Mom and I saw Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness this afternoon. Good movie, some excellent stuff; and the first theatrical film I’ve been to since Dad. Paid off some of having Mom watch Wandavision last year, as well as Avengers: Endgame a couple weeks back; and Spider-Man: No Way Home a week or so before that.

And I did more “running around” this weekend than I have in recent memory. CNJ on Friday; Kenmore, Hazel’s Heroes, Half-Price Books, Comics & Friends, and Meijer Saturday. Walmart after the movie Sunday.

Used to be routine for me. Saturday especially, I’d go out “to get out” and whatnot. Knowing Dad and Mom and the pets were here at home and safe; and along with whatever stuff I’d get, I’d also touch base with them to make sure on whether they needed anything. Dad would often want iced coffee, chips, and/or something sweet. Too many times I put him off from the “milkshake from McDonald’s” because I hadn’t really been through a drivethru since the pandemic hit, and it’s like that was some dumb source of “pride” or such for me, akin to my “4-years of perfect attendance” in high school. (Since losing Dad, drivethrus are “back on the table” albeit hardly as frequent as 2+ years ago).

One thing in the Dr. Strange movie was this idea that dreams are our views into other universes and our counterparts there.

And as often happens, the weird way my mind works, that proved to be some fertile ground for a seed of thought.

My dreaming the last 4+ months has been on a whole different level from any other time in my life. I don’t remember a time before with so many recurring themes and “remembered” dreams and such in such a short span of time. And the way so many of those dreams have “cameos” of Dad…LIKE some tv show or movie, peeking into possibilities.

(Trust me when I say my phrasing here does not begin to do justice to my thoughts overall)

I’m not even sure what else to try to write right now. I’ve had loads of thoughts the last couple weeks…but never when I can write, and then the mind is so fleeting that when I’m at this particular computer or thinking to make notes, the thoughts flee.

Four months

Four months.

Seventeen-and-a-half weeks.



And here it’s been several weeks since I’ve posted.

When I started this blog back in January, I envisioned writing–if not daily, then semi-daily or even weekly–but that’s not come to pass.

I still have a text file with a long list of specific memories to write about, but it hasn’t felt RIGHT, to “just” cycle through some “list” of “topics.” And even WITH that “list,” plenty of other memories that are “just mine.” That I may never share, with ANYone. That were just between Dad and ME.

Though I’m loathe to phrase it QUITE this way, it feels like Mom and I are “finally” starting to “rejoin the world” a bit. Mom went to NYC several weeks ago. I went to Michigan for a weekend with Mike and Drew around then.

This past week I’ve taken my longest non-bereavement-leave stretch of PTO since that Texas trip with Katie and Tim back at the end of June 2015. Went down to Alabama to visit with Sara, her husband, and the boys. Went to the Huntsville Comic & Pop Culture Expo. “Met” Kevin Eastman and got my nearly-30-year-old copy of TMNT #50 signed. (That I originally got at Capp’s Comics that night back in 1992…preceding even The Death of Superman stuff!)

Over the last few days, got to spend time with Sara, with Brittani, with Craig, and even finally with Ashley after all these years as “facebook friends.” Right before driving to Alabama, got to spend time with Hillary. So many other friends I also “owe” some time.

It’s astounding in its way to look back over the years and people in my life and realize just how many years HAVE come and gone already. I’m 41, and have 23+ years’ continuous history with a number of dear friends. Other friends I go back further with–back to 34 years or so.

Had just several weeks over 41 years with Dad, and now four months without.

We got my car fixed the other week. And on the way to Alabama, I found myself recalling that single time that Dad was able to get into this car, and drive it. He’s the one that pushed GETTING the car to begin with, and I couldn’t have gotten it without him, especially back then. And EVEN when it sat “dead” in the driveway for over a year, he was always so…I don’t even know the word I want. Not exactly “proud,” but maybe in that vein. He was always so impressed with the car.

Now it’s one of the “tangible” things I have, from him.

Over these past four months, I’ve “recalled” more dreams than I think I EVER have in my life, in such a short stretch. I don’t remember ever, so regularly, waking up remembering my dreams. And when I self-analyze, I do see where so many of them are obviously tied to Dad, to this loss.

In addition to the still-even-years-after-the-last-move “anxiety dreams” about packing/moving, plenty of recurrences of dreams where I’m back in school, and either can’t remember my class schedule or I’m gonna fail out of a class for not showing up/turning in homework all semester and now having to show up to ‘face the music’. Other dreams where I’m at some hotel type setting and can’t find my room, or I’ve forgotten something and have to go back to my room to get it and can’t remember how to GET back to the room.

And a number of dreams where Dad is “present” but like a “cameo.” He’s just in the other room where I’m “aware” that he’s there. Or I’m passing through a room where he’s asleep or watching TV or some such and I’m taking his presence for granted. Or someone mentions him in the present tense, and it’s like life is still normal or what it was. These remind me of tv show cameos where an actor is gone, but they find ways to keep a character present/involved.

I’ve also had a couple of dreams WITH Dad…breaking down in tears and thankfulness at realizing the past months have been some mistake, some misunderstanding.

Tonight, Mom and I watched Avengers: Endgame. I’d watched Infinity War with her and Dad around Christmas 2020…Dad had drifted through a lot of it/just didn’t really “get into it,” and I never “got around to” having them watch Endgame.

A couple scenes definitely hit me differently this time than when I first saw the film 3 years ago in the theater. Tony getting to see his Dad; and Thor getting to see his Mom.

Thanks to Sara, Brittani, Craig, and Ashley, it didn’t even hit me last night that that was the exact 4 months–the evening of the 29th INTO the 30th.

Part of me feels almost “guilty,” but that’s ME, that’s the way I am “wired” mentally. Plenty of other thoughts surely to process as time goes on.

I’d like to think that Dad would be glad, though. He always commented about how “negative” I could be or was or whatever. I consider(ed) myself “practical,” but I know he would NOT actively want me sad, discouraged, frustrated, etc. He CERTAINLY would NEVER have wanted to be the CAUSE of said feelings.

But that part can’t be helped. Except that when I feel “guilty” for living, for continuing on, etc, I try to remind myself of it.

And like that song says… “but I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased, and knowing yours are healed is healing mine . . . and the thought that makes me smile now even as the tears fall down is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now . . . I know the road you walked was anything but easy. You picked up your share of scars along the way. Oh but now you’re standing in the sun, you fought your fight and your race is run, the pain is all a million miles away…”

It’s those of us left behind that have to face the loss, the pain, the sorrow, the memories. That have to somehow live, even though he’s now apart from us physically.

Until all things are made new.

missing you

Dad, I can still hear your voice, the sounds of your presence. I still feel like I can JUST walk over to the cave, poke my head out, and see you sleeping, or watching tv, or doing something on your phone. I still expect the random notification on my phone to be you sending along another meme or “funny of the day” or whatever via FB messenger, and I still expect those texts from you either needing me or trying to give mom a break but not realizing I’m not even home at the moment.

It still feels weird to take Daisey out the front door in the mornings instead of how I always took her through the garage from the cave. To realize it’s been over 4 months since I set foot on that treadmill–first cuz of whatever benign “craziness” of Thanksgiving into early December and then all that stuff mid-month and toward Christmas, and now I can’t bring myself to use it without you there in the cave for me to check on and keep an ear out for.

It’s really weird that that van is no longer in the driveway, and to my knowledge, never will be again. I never had much attachment to it, but you were so proud of that thing and loved that ramp, and allllll that, even with my complaints about you buying it sight-unseen and all that, even after doing the same with the previous one. But all those times these last couple years of looking out the front window and seeing it sitting there from you and Mom just pulling in, and seeing what I’d see of “the usual routine” for getting you back into the house.

It’s such a weird/bittersweet/something feeling to handle that bag of Shrimp earlier this afternoon, recalling/knowing it’s been there from you getting it that day you and Mom went to Giant Eagle. It’s there because YOU got it, because YOU wanted it, because you wanted to get something for us both instead of just me happening to pick something up and ‘sharing’ it.

Seeing Daisey lay on Mom…she often seems quite content, and normal (for her); does the same thing with perking her head up and whacking her with that tail when I walk in and start talking to her, winding her up. But it’s not the same as it was with you.

There’s this huge freaking hole in life where you’re supposed to be. Where we expected you to be, yet.

46 hours and some minutes left of 2021. I’d already COUNTED us being together into 2022 and beyond. It was just a “given.” “Remission,” you had such a great day for your birthday; and the first THanksgiving in so many years where you felt really good.

We were talking about getting Amy and Steve up for a visit…y’all have heard plenty about one another but never been in the same space in person. All that dumb furniture and such on the patio…despite Mom and my resisting, we should be preparing for gatherings at your behest. The ROMEO club, just having people over. Amanda and Anthony bringing Tanner over.

You were talking increasingly of trying to do some traveling, and while it would’ve been inconvenient, it was on the agenda, it was something we were looking to make happen.

Maybe we didn’t “hang out” “all the time” or spend a LOT of time together, actively-interacting…but it was always such a special thing, such an important thing, these last few years–that we were in the same house.

We didn’t HAVE TO be talking/etc. We were simply together. I’d do my thing, Mom hers, you yours, the pets theirs, and we’d come together and cross paths and such, but we were never falling over each other or crowding one another (except Daisey shoving your legs off the chair while you slept).

Like that song says, “I know the road you walked was anything but easy / You picked up your share of scars along the way / Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run / The pain is all a million miles away…” Life was never “easy” for you. And I know that affected so much of stuff in these recent years. I know I took for granted these last several years my own capabilities. It was always easier to not think much about your recent limitations. You were still YOU! We were still together. And the routine stuff that I couldn’t have even picgtured 4 1/2 years ago just WAS.

And I know that where you are, this is all moot. You’re past it all. YOU fought your fight. YOUR race is run. ANd right now, it’s all great for you, you’re who and what and how you should be, your pain is a million miles away.

It’s those of us left behind, missing your active, tangible prsence, that grieve. For what’s been lost. For what I wasn’t ready for. To not be able to literally just walk into the other room and be with you, see your smile, hear your words.

You’ve always been there. No matter what I thought, no matter what I felt, no matter what problems I had, you were there. No matter the other losses and huge changes, you were there.

And now you’re not.

And you’re exactly who I wish I could just sit and BE with to process.

So I sit and type in tears at this stupid computer, to post to some stupid blog and put myself/this/us/whatever out there, cuz what ELSE can I do?

I miss you, I still need you, and even if the rest of this whole stupid world continues on, mine is not what it was, what I want, and is just missing you.

Three months…13 weeks…scars in Heaven

Tonight-into-tomorrow will be three months. It was the evening of December 29–and then into the early hours of the 30th that we had to say goodbye.

Tomorrow will be thirteen weeks. It was a Wednesday night into Thursday morning.

Last Monday–March 21st–a song came on the radio as I pulled into a parking spot…and stuck me in my seat, ultimately breaking me down into tears for the first significant time in weeks. I probably sat in the car for another 15-20 minutes composing myself to be able to go into the store.

Casting Crowns’ “Scars in Heaven.” Lyrics copy/pasted from google below; bold is my own emphasis. Even tonight typing, I’ve fought tears.

The song speaks for itself…

If I had only known the last time would be the last time
I would’ve put off all the things I had to do
I would’ve stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
Now what I’d give for one more day with you
‘Cause there’s a wound here in my heart where something’s missing
And they tell me that it’s gonna heal with time
But I know you’re in a place where all your wounds have been erased
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine

The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now

I know the road you walked was anything but easy
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run
The pain is all a million miles away

The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven, yeah, are on the hands that hold you now

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, for the hands that hold you now

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you
You live on in all the better parts of me

Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run
Until I finally see what you can see, oh-oh

The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now

“Now” is the “another time” stated several years ago for an anecdote

I came across something I’d posted in my comics blog back in 2017:

“My earliest conscious recollection of Guy [Gardner] is one of the Eclipso Annuals back in 1992 (Adventures of Superman Annual #4, I believe–as I learned after the fact, the ‘transition’ for the character back from his prestige-format limited series where he GOT the gold ring to begin with). And his #1 issue–the first of this very series–was one of several issues I got at a Waldenbooks while out with a friend and his mom, using money my dad gave me (though I got 6 or so comics and had some change left, I recall his being a bit surprised he didn’t get MORE change…but that’s a story for another time).”

Well, over 4 ½ years later, I suppose that ‘another time” is now.

That Waldenbooks I’d referenced in talking about Guy Gardner #11 is the same one that yielded my first four comics that Mom bought me. For me, for MY comics collection…it is THE source, the starting point for my entire collection. Just a fancy spinner-rack in a bookstore in a mall.

Anyway, whenever this was—Summer 1992—I was going to the mall (and Waldenbooks) with a friend and his mom. Dad gave me $10 to have some “spending money” and I was able to get several comics that day. If I’m recalling correctly now, it was that Guy issue (#1) as well as several Superman issues—parts of “The Blaze/Satanus War.” According to my earlier-posted memory of getting 6 or so comics, that would’ve been 6 $1.25 issues…or $7.50. (a paltry sum nowadays in 2022, that would not even get you 2 issues of anything not-Spawn). Of course, as a kid, having $10 at my disposal and being able to get numerous comics…it was a Pretty Big Deal.

And the more I think on it, the more I’m pretty sure Dad would have simply told me that he “expected some change back,” which essentially (to me at the time) meant I was not allowed to spend the ENTIRE $10. As Dad did not specify an amount otherwise, if I really DID get those 6 comics, then yeah…$7.50 + tax, and Dad “got some change back.”

I’m not sure how much is actual memory now—whether jarred loose by actually thinking in-depth about this particular situation for the first time in a number of years, or my mind constructing something from semi-partial-half-remembered stuff, I can’t attest to 100%. But I think I vaguely recall “picking up on” Dad’s annoyance at the time…but other than having expressed surprise at not getting more change back, he didn’t really say/do anything on it. BUT it definitely stood as a good long-term lesson for me in communication on such things: to keep “transparent” on stuff involving his money like that, as well as general awareness of how something might be interpreted by others.

But looking back on that now, it’s also a reminder of his general generosity, and the way he was always glad to do stuff for me, even if “just” giving me a bit of cash to be able to get something while out with a friend.

The situation/”incident” also OBVIOUSLY left its mark on me in THAT I remember so much about the particular, individual purchase and that those issues stand out to me a bit to this day for a number of factors.

Just one day, his son’s going to the mall with a friend, so hey, here, let’s make sure the kid’s got a couple dollars to get something token while out. I’m pretty confident that had I brought this up to Dad 3 ½ months ago, he wouldn’t even have any recollection of it himself. (then again, maybe he would, or would remember some other time that I’m not and remember/know that this TYPE of thing had once unfolded?). Point being, I highly doubt this was anything at ALL remarkable or stand-out or singly-memorable to HIM. Yet, here I am nearly 30 years later writing a number of words about the time and feeling like I’m recalling even more detail the more I think back on it, if only in “feelings” of nostalgia and wishing he was here TO ask about his memory of this.

I think it also helped jog my memory that I’m beginning to read some Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics from 1992, and another early-for-me comic has an ad for that Blaze/Satanus War story.

Even as I write all this, though, I’m reminded yet again of how vastly DIFFERENT stuff is for me now; having lost Dad “only” almost 12 weeks ago. That even contemplating any scene with someone losing a close relative from a comic has a whole different impact on me and meaning now than it ever did as some “concept,” now that I know first-hand what it is to lose my Dad.

But because of stuff WITH him, FROM him, INVOLVING him…I do get to have all sorts of tangible objects as (in cases like this) pleasant, fond reminders of him and the impact he’s had and will continue to hold in my life…

Ten to Eleven Week Rambling

Been a couple weeks since posting. I’ve had a couple of half-typed things but abandoned for lack of direction (and yet here I am coming in with an intent for stream-of-conscious rambling).

Tonight is the midpoint between ten and eleven weeks. And it’s hard to describe exactly how I’m feeling. Sometimes I’m not sure what distresses me MORE: that I’ve made it this far/long, or that the meds I’m on seem to have dried up my tears and left me “existing.”

I still have a lengthy list of isolated “memories” to detail, but felt weird with some of my posts seeming so…I don’t know. Formulaic? Or like I was just filling out some old “writing prompt” from junior high or something.

Another factor of course has been work, and losing myself in some simpler, basic “routines” that do not involve sitting at a non-work computer typing non-work stuff.

And yet…

And yet, I’ve been managing to “write up” posts for more comics than I have in YEARS. Where most of my comics-blog content the last couple years in particular have been sharing photos of “weekly hauls” of new comics or “showing off the shelves” for STUFF I’ve acquired…very little has been actual longform CONTENT–reviews of individual comics or other thoughtful/in-depth posts on some topic.

Over the last few weeks I’ve re-read and written about 8 chapters of the 1992/1993 “Funeral for a Friend” story detailing the aftermath of the death of Superman. I’ve “covered” four comics from the late 1980s–the first four comics that were ever “mine” that Mom bought me. And I’ve got a slight backlog of posts covering a 4-part early-1992 story from “Starman,” and starting into a 20-or-so part run on issues about the villain Eclipso.

And maybe that’s given me a bit of “focus,” on a “project” where I can semi-sorta-kinda-maybe “lose myself” a BIT and not have to overthink my reality, of loss, or what life has become or is becoming. A small, “tangible” “goal” that’s just ME, who and what(ever) I “am,” and “have been.”

Delving back into something that at least in the past had been an enjoyment, and something I just…do. Not to mention that Dad himself often seemed impressed with my writing, and stuff related to keeping that blog up for however many years.

Feels weird to try to say that maybe I’m “honoring” him by doing something for ME. But maybe it’s also a “coping mechanism.”

All these weeks later and I **STILL** have piles of comics to go through in the other room, that I had spread out the afternoon before we lost him. I don’t know what to say on THAT, except that my heart hasn’t been in it.

Despite that, I did recently “discover” that if I attach those stick-on binder tabs to a comic backboard, it makes an EXCELLENT divider-tab for comics, sized quite well for my comic boxes, and thus provides an imminently worthwhile path forward to some of the organization I’ve lacked all these years.

Then there’s the weird week it’s been…with Mom in NY visiting my sister, it’s been just me with the pets–Chloe and Sarah (cats) and Daisey (dog)–juggling them with work and whatnot.

As I sit here typing, I’m in “the Cave” while Daisey’s chilled out on a pillow. She’s been especially “needy” and craving attention…I can’t leave her alone for 30 seconds without her whining, barking, and/or shrieking for me. Though it was pointed out to me the other day that for her point of view, Dad suddenly hasn’t been around, and now suddenly Mom hasn’t, either…so she’s definitely had some major disruption to her “normal” beyond my own (I at least can know what happened, is happening, etc).

This weekend is “spring forward”–the time change overnight–and “Spring” is officially only about a week away. Which lends itself to another range of thought for me…it means that we’re almost through the season (Winter) and into a first full season without Dad. Though Winter was only a few days old when we lost him, so the bulk of the season has been without him as it is.

Guess we’ll see what the coming week actually holds, and whether “plans” work out and how, and all that.

Dad and business trip stuff

I’ve yet to ever work any job where I had to travel FOR work. The closest was when I worked for IDMI and would regularly drive between the main office and the warehouse, but given that was a less than 10 minute drive (maybe 5-7?) that hardly counts.

No, by “travel FOR work” I’m talking “being gone” from “home” at least overnight–traveling further than a return-same-day thing. Where you’re “put up” at least overnight somewhere as a result of the job.

While it was hardly “frequent,” I do remember Dad having to travel for work occasionally.

And largely due to what he brought back, I remember several distinct such trips.

First, there was that trip to Detroit, I believe; in 1989/1990…the dawn of the “Turtles Craze” when the TMNT figures were maybe at their height and NO ONE had the actual turtles themselves in stock. Dad had gone on this trip, and when he came back, he had all 4 turtles, April O’Neil, and Casey Jones for me.

Another was Hawaii either end of 1992 or early 1993 when the “Doomsday!” (Death of Superman) cards were the hot thing. He came back with 2 unopened boxes of the cards for me; this yielded (if I recall) at least 3 full sets of the main cards, and a set of whatever the chase cards were (that I’m currently drawing a blank on in 2022).

Of course, both of these trips I would’ve been 8-12 years old, very much a kid, and so it makes sense, I guess, that what stood out was what he brought back FOR ME. There’s also that as a kid, I simply remember/knew that Dad went off to work every day; that he would bowl or golf some evenings after work, etc.

Those turtle figures were a Really Big Deal at the time. I don’t recall FOR SURE but I have this vague notion that he VAAAAAAAASTLY over-paid for them, GIVEN their “hotness” at the time. As I’m typing this, I’m thinking he may have said something about paying around $20/each…but again, that’s a vague notion and I don’t have a solid, specific memory of the number or such. Whatever he paid for them, it was definitely a premium, even by 2022 pricing (5-6 times retail price in 1989/1990!)

And the Superman trading cards…I remember him at some point disclosing to me that he’d paid $90/box for them…that was $180! ($2.50/pack…each box had 36 packs). And again, that was 1992/1993. Even now in 2022 I’d be really gritting my teeth and thinking hard about having to pay $90 for some cards, EVEN in 2022 buying a now-vintage box of those very same cards!

But these were a couple things where they were stuff I was VERRRRRRY much wanting at the time, and they were sold out/unable to be found locally, but when he found them while he was traveling for work, he splurged on ’em, to be able to make his son happy. As an adult, I’ll regularly travel certain distances “hunting” some particular figure or such; though these last couple months ESPECIALLY that particular interest has been sorely dimmed. I definitely do not remember Dad ever doing that for anything for himself (not the way I do, anyway!); so his going out of his way and looking for stuff while traveling was that much more significant to me and my memories.

And while it wasn’t so much bringing something back for ME; another “travel for work” I remember was his going to Washington, DC for a few weeks in 2001 or so. I don’t recall what FOR; but it was a few weeks, and I was working at the summer camp in Michigan that summer; so the only real impact for ME (since I myself was gone most of 10 weeks!) was one weekend that I did drive back to Eastlake to ‘visit’ and Dad was gone at the time. I don’t recall the full context, but I remember that summer being when he started using a cane.

As I think about that now, I realize that means it was about 16 years–more than 1/3 of my life–that he had/used canes; though on THAT I don’t really recall it being quite so prominent a thing until years later when he got more reliant on the cane. And of course after he fell in 2017 and was in the nursing homes, the rest of the time it was the powerchair, wheelchair, or walker(s) rather than a cane.

I know he likely traveled for work more than that, but those stand out most to me in MY memories. And these do not get into the fact of his military service and being stationed around the world (like Guam). I was born on Guam; he was restationed to the Detroit area and then Cleveland before retiring. So all the world-traveling was before I was born. I suppose that stuff would be fitting for another post, where I’ll need to talk more to Mom for details!

The Lion King…and seeing myself in Simba

I remember seeing The Great Mouse Detective as a kid. Whether accurate or not, the memory I have of it is seeing it in the theater, with Mom and Dad.

Then there’s The Land Before Time…the first movie I remember knowing about in advance and looking forward TO. While I associate that with Mom taking me and such…I do recall it was Dad who bought that first VHS (which I still have around here somewhere!) and thus wound up getting a VHS machine to play it so I could actually watch the thing (he’d been a Betamax person).

1989 gave us The Little Mermaid which I don’t really associate with either parent…I remember seeing something on tv as a kid about it and behind the scenes stuff with the animation and how many drawings it took to animate a single second, though.

I remember being taken to the original TMNT film; while I think both parents were there, it’s Dad I most remember and associate with that one…particularly an entertaining-to-me story he told of quoting the movie at work afterward. I also associate him with TMNT II; with being excited that day at school to go see it.

Then there’s 1992’s Aladdin. While I remember both parents present for that first time in the theater, there’s something to it that I now–as I type/think/remember–associate with Dad. I think it may have been a “double header” movie night; one of those “see THIS film, then catch the premiere of Aladdin” deals or some such. (Could have been some other films, but hey…) And maybe it’s the work of years-later memories and stuff mashing up in my mind…especially Robin Williams’ bit about the creation of Golf…that gives me another association with Dad and the film. While he definitely had a sense of humor, it was never the almost manic energy of Williams or the Genie.

But The Lion King…1994. That one was another big one for me; maybe the biggest of my Disney-Four. Seeing the film itself. Seeing stuff on tv about it. Reading stuff in the newspaper about it. Hearing the Elton John versions of a couple of the main songs on the radio regularly.

And whether it was immediate, or came about more gradually over repeat viewings, memories, etc…I’m pretty sure The Lion King was the first time I may have ever contemplated actually losing Dad. While it may have been more during college that stuff particularly sank in on it for me, even that was half a lifetime ago or more, so I can only really–and only really CARE TO now–speak on it as it hits me right now in 2022.

There are scenes from that film burned into my mind, and memories of being moved to tears, or almost to tears, at different times. The early scenes between Mufasa and Simba; the way Simba looked up to Mufasa, was excited to learn from him, eager to be like him. That scene where Simba steps into a paw print from Mufasa. Saying he wanted to be like Mufasa. Their bonding even after Mufasa gives Simba the extremely stern talking-to. That idea of hearing one’s father say they were disappointed…learning from it, not wanting to disappoint, etc.

I remember seeing a live production of the show in Toronto in 2001. Getting a copy of that version of the soundtrack. Some of the extra songs and such on that that were not part of the animated soundtrack or film. One of the tracks’ titles that as I’m typing now I can’t remember for sure–maybe “Remember Who You Are” or such; and more of the Simba/Mufasa thing. I also remember being impacted by the show itself, one of the Mufasa/Simba scenes where the actors actually take off the masks and you just see them…father and son. Powerful.

And even now as I’m typing, I’m tearing up as I gather my thoughts and try to find the words I want.

“He Lives in You” is probably that track, not “Remember Who You Are.”

Rafiki and Simba. Simba asking “You knew my father?” And Rafiki ‘correcting’ him. “I KNOW your father. You see…he lives in you!” And Simba seeing his reflection and how very much he looked like Mufasa. (forget the fact that to humans, lions probably mostly look the same and stuff like that).

“The clouds.” Simba “seeing” Mufasa. That voice, telling him to “Remember…who you are…” That such a huge part of Simba IS Mufasa, and their relationship. Mufasa’s example. Simba striving to match his father, follow in his footsteps, that his father is….was…his hero, someone to be looked up to.

And the part the echoes all too authentically, that became all too real, that has “broken” me a number of times in the last 7 1/2 weeks, that even now leaves me having to collect myself to even type about it.

Founded or not, Simba’s guilt…hurt…anger…disappointment…loss.

“You said you’d always BE there for me!”

“But you’re not. And it’s because of me.”

And my mind wants to leap to splicing a bit from an old Batman audiocomic. “…so many ghosts. So many memories…”

Nothing super about this Sunday

I’ve barely even NOTICED the run up to the Superbowl this year.

I’ve never been much of a football person; even with 3 years of going to just about all of the high school games–home AND away–sophomore through senior years. THOSE were because of being in the marching band. What games I went to DURING college were basically strictly TO see the marching band, or just to spend time with friends.

I remember going to one game in the fall after I’d graduated from BG; I’d been to a comic shop before meeting up with friends; and wound up reading a few comics, not even caring for the game. Another game, visited a friend and saw the game with her on TV.

At least a handful of times in grad school, went to game-watching gatherings; for the big rivalry games and at least a couple of Superbowl parties.

WHICH leads to a newly re-found regret is that I never made the time or effort to go to a college game with Dad. He’d talked about wanting to; strongly hinted, and at one point in grad school I think I’d even actually gotten tickets for a BASKETBALL game…but I was so disinterested in the idea of attending a live sporting event like that that we never ended up going.

(For that matter, he never got to SEE me graduate from college OR grad school…I was so uninterested in the ceremony of it all that I just wanted nothing to do with either graduation. But that’s maybe a subject for another post sometime).

Even into recent years, though, Dad was the football fan. Far from “die-hard” and such, but he would frequently watch the OSU games on Saturdays or the Browns on Sundays…or whatever day their game(s) would be on. He’d watch (or at least have on) the Cleveland baseball and basketball games as well; though I’d usually do the best I could to “ignore” the games (if I have a superstition, it’s that Cleveland ALWAYS LOSES if I happen to be consciously aware of the score at any point DURING the game).

I do remember some baseball games with Dad; going to downtown Cleveland and the stadium there. I remember frustrating him once with my rooting for the opposing team because I was bored/uninterested in the game in front of me. Another time I had a book with me and read during most of the game. I do remember one time with Cub Scouts or early Boy Scouts, someone had provided tickets and Dad took a bunch of us to a game where we got to watch from a Lodge. Dad had bought a “team set” of one of the trading card series for that year.

(I also remember him buying some of the sports cards other times…other than a very BRIEF, only-remembered-just-now-while-I’m-typing-this stint with baseball cards and (Ozzie Smith? Being my favorite player for a bit just because I recognized him from his card), I never really cared for or stuck with sports cards. My thing was non-sports trading cards (Superman: Doomsday, Marvel Series IV, Marvel Masterworks, X-Men Fleer Ultra, Marvel Fleer Flair, Return of Superman, some Spider-Man set, Ultraverse, etc)

But just as he almost always wanted to get “party appetizers” and such for New Year’s Eve…he was also big on doing stuff like that for Superbowl Sundays. If not some big thing, then at LEAST this chips-and-dip with spicy sausage and melted Velveeta.

I remember a number of times going to Sam’s or BJ’s with him and getting a bunch of finger foods…often way more than we’d actually eat, or even prepare…because he was always so enthusiastic about the IDEA of it all.

I do recall a scant handful of Superbowls; I’d watch “for the commercials” and such; maybe the halftime show. I know Mom watched more of those with him than I ever did. I actually sat through the game itself the year of the Janet Jackson thing, but had been out of the room and never saw the so-called “malfunction.”

And while I’ve not been a particular sports person, we do have this Browns blanket that’s been around since at least the early 1990s; I think I even wound up taking it to college with me at one point and might have absconded with it for one of the apartments I lived in; but he’d made some use of it in the past year or so, I think. He also had this other one that I think was essentially just a length of Browns-patterned material that served as a good blanket.

So this is the first Superbowl I’ve been aware of, that Dad’s not here to even talk about watching it. If not Saturday, then today I should’ve been out getting stuff for him–whether some kind of wings, or stuff for a dip, making sure there were chips; etc.

He’d be talking about trying to have a bunch of people over for the game; something I ALSO always resisted (because I’d have to work Monday morning, among other things). But whether or not he’d get to have people over, HE would have the game on.

Now it’s another bittersweet (if that’s even the word I want…I don’t think it is, but it’ll have to do) milestone here learning what life is without him. It’s an event I’ve only been VAGUELY aware of approaching, and in part FOR not having him, it’s all the more something I want little to nothing to do with. I have no intention of watching the game, or the commercials. No intention of any of that.

But I miss him, and his enthusiasm for it, and THAT he’d be gearing up for the thing.